I’m going to come clean. Depression is the worst thing that can happen in a person’s life.

We start growing up and realize that, all the fairytales & fantasies of falling in love are not all ‘happily ever afters’. The harsh reality ladies and gentlemen, no matter how much we try to hide away from love’s satisfaction and heartaches, pain is inevitable. What else could be worst, is how we are left in this world to face and cope up with it.

So, under my blanket of tears, doubts, fears and lack of self-love. I’m back on my feet and decided to write about motivating myself and to the dearly affected.

This letter is dedicated to those who fell into the black hole of the dreaded state of melancholy who,

  • cried and wept, twice as hard like how I did;
  • shut themselves away from the world, like how I did;
  • hurt themselves by blaming, doubting and hurting, just like how I did;
  • complained and questioned pain, just like how I did.
  • thought poorly about their decisions or may have regretted actions, just as how I did

    And above all, those who stayed true to the one they love.

I ended 2017 and started 2018, completely broken.

My heart sank, it drowned up to the deepest floor of the ocean. At that time, nothing stood afloat except for the remaining love I spared for what was left to love.

For a moment I thought my world was doing fine. Friends & family believed that the relationship was making a breakthrough, by making the best out of the distance and space that challenged us. A breather moment that determined the misunderstandings that were faced and how both parties were unaware of what the heart and mind was really trying to say.

As the saying goes, “If you really love the person, you let them go.” One of the most cliché and subjective advices about being in love, which is the sad truth.

My heart was drowning, and indeed it still is. I mourned the pain of letting go of someone endearing to me for a “better” future. I came to realize that, this was not a “high school fling” or “puppy love”. We weren’t kids anymore but a growing couple that did not care about anything in the world except for the happiness that was shared.

“His love made me believe that above everything and anyone else, nothing compares. The love that was equally shared with imperfections, but fought entirely until realized.”

For the first time in my life, I gave myself in to the situation and settled to see where our lives will live up to, and until when we can keep this separation. Until where we can find our happiness, either together or separately.

I don’t pretend to have the answers. Reality is, I probably have none of them. I only own my life experiences: the ups, downs and the feelings associated with them. But here were some thoughts that helped me save myself from drowning:

I was at my worst. My emotions were questioned and scattered. I was slipping away from my usual and normal self. I tried looking for ways to be happy. I was brought about with the notion of “Be happy, stay positive” even though deep down in your darkest thoughts, you cry to stay happy. I tried my best to keep myself healthy, because depression symptoms were already kicking in.

Keeping myself together was less difficult because I started reaching out to friends & family, those who mattered to me the most. I got mixed reactions and advices from almost everyone I talked to. I had to force the pain out, by being strong for myself and for my future self as well. I stayed away from distractions and buried negative thoughts. Maybe, the situation is not so bad after all?

This is the most difficult stage and one that doesn’t happen instantly. All of the memories flash back in your mind. It hurts like a bitch, or whatever you can think of that hurts more than a bitch. I forgot who I was as a person, and it hurt others to see me this way. I did my best to think of the things that could make me forget the depression and look for ways to move forward into life.

They say the best revenge is to look good, to feel better. It crushed me to see how motivated he was to forget whatever happened between us. So, why can’t I? Neither one is to blame nor to apologize.

Regaining self-love in myself is a constant reminder to enjoy the little things in life that I was not able to realize when I was still in the relationship. To be happy and live without being held back, and allow myself to accept positive and energy vibes in my life. It is to live a life knowing the pain motivates you to be better, and accept the fact that people should love you for your self-worth. But the most common piece of advice I kept hearing repeatedly, is becoming the best version of yourself.

First thing, what is the process?

I came across a friend of mine telling me that a relationship is a two-way process. It takes both lovers to to come together and resolve with an absolute solution that could find themselves at the end of the tunnel. Even during a breakup, it takes two to make something work for each other. There are ways on how people address the situation whatever the reason was. Considering it done, it could be a phase? a set back? Test of ability and feelings? Truth is, only God knows. The most important thing to consider is the reaction. From feeling pain, hopeful, anger, resentment, denial, pride (however you rearrange emotions) until finally reaching the moment of forgiveness, inner peace and acceptance. Who knows? Falling in love again, especially with yourself.

I found myself trying to save myself by looking back at how happy our relationship was. Oh, how I wish that I could relive those moments of happiness. But as of now I can only reminisce and look forward to whatever happens. I couldn’t be anymore grateful to spend more happy memories than reliving the bad ones.

Trusting the process means to move on forward and having complete faith, because you know the reason to everything and you base it on what you feel,

Trusting your might and will that in the end, things will turn out well eventually and life can still surprise us,

Trusting your feelings and investing time in yourself, will make you move faster and get this over with!

No matter what troubles and rough waters I’ve been through, my ocean calms down when I turn to the Lord. The connection I have with him is binary and everlasting. I couldn’t go through a day without having to seek his guidance in silence. But what is prayer without faith?

Even though I prayed so hard and called the Lord for guidance and reconciliation, I found it all useless without Faith. I placed my total faith that in God’s ways, He will heal me from the pain, guide me with the choices I make, but mostly prepare a better plan for me come what may. This statement came from my family, to “Surrender everything to the Lord” because he knows what’s in your heart.

 

“Indeed my heart is drowning. But I will guard, protect and love it. That is how I will save it. “

Miss Kalibutan